Look up melancholy (the adjective) in your collegiate dictionary. (You do have one, right?) It's ok. I will wait while you go do that. I will be here, filing my nails. ....You're back? Did you see the synonyms list? Mine says they are "depression, dejection, gloominess." I have the World Book Thorndike Barnhart Dictionary here. Under definition number 3 of the noun melancholy it says: "one of the four humors, thought in ancient and medieveal physiology to be secreted by the kidney or spleen and to be the cause of such conditions as depression and gloominess: black bile:" and then a quote from Shakespeare: "to purge melancholy."
I have struggled with depression off and on for years. Sometimes I really wallow in it. But I have never, until recently, actually felt it as a physical, maybe even chemical, sensation. Let me see if I can explain this. I was recently involved in an activity. Shoot. I may as well tell you what it was, because most of you who know me will guess anyway. I was auditioning for a show. (Future and past directors, please don't hold this against me, I am just trying to illustrate something here.) I thought that I had a really good audition. The day after auditions were done, persons began to post on Facebook for which parts they had been cast. But I did not get a call. When it became apparent that, not only had I not got any of the parts that I wanted, but that I might not be cast at all, whoa! Something happened to me. I mean, I have been down before, but this was way different.
As I am thinking about how I might describe what happened to me, I can only think of the body's response to alcohol. Now, keep in mind, I have never been drunk. I rarely ever even drink alcohol, but I had an experience with it one time that I think could serve to demonstrate what happened to me when I had this last bout of depression. We were at a friend's birthday party. The host's daughter had prepared some Jello shots. I had not had Jello shots before. They sounded pretty harmless to me. Hey, there's always room for Jello, right? The instructions were that you were supposed to drink the whole thing, in one gulp--shoot it down---as it were. So I did. Yeah. It went straight down, and when I put the empty shot cup down, my head was spinning, and I knew I better just sit still for a while and not try to do anything. That alcohol was in my stomach, but it was doing something in my head. Just that fast.
In that same way, that day when I went to bed and had not been called to be cast, this awful sensation came over me. It was in the pit of my stomach, but it messed up my head. And here is the weird part, even the next day when I found that I had been cast for a part, after all, it didn't go away. It hung on for several more days. It was like that "black bile" had poisoned me. I could not shake it. I wasn't drinking anything, but I felt it leaking into my soul, or my body, I don't know which: it was like liquid depression. I couldn't stop it, not by praying, not by trying to think "happy thoughts", nothing. I still don't think I am fully recovered from it, really. I have found that beautiful music helps some, and laughing helps. But, honestly, I seriously wonder if I should be on Prozac.
I hate the idea of taking another pill every day. I wonder if it isn't so bad to just let nature take its course, sometimes. Maybe I can be depressed sometimes, and it will be okay. I think that there must be natural things that I can do to fight back. I wonder about the music thing. Why does it seem to help? Also, exercise, as long as I don't get too exhausted, seems like a natural lift. (Endorphins?)
I was recently in a seminar where we were being taught the principles for successful living. One of the things the leader said was something we should not do is discuss our poor health with anyone, except a doctor. And I know that there should be limits about even things one blogs about. So, maybe I have overstepped a boundary, and if I have I really must apologize. But, I also think it is possible that there are people out there who also struggle with depression. And I think there are people who are far more depressed about things that are far more serious than things that bother me right now. I am reasonably healthy, have a home, a family that loves me...some people have none of these things and they are still cheerful!
My dear friends, if you do struggle with depression, I just want you to know you are not the only one. Maybe you have found coping mechanisms. (I guess that the even the Bible suggests that this is why some people drink and get drunk.) I think we learn from each other, if we are willing to share the needs. I love people, really love people in my life right now. I think we are stronger for having shown our weaknesses, and can be made even stronger for sharing what makes us strong.
So, in pondering depression, mine and maybe yours, I think it is fair to say it may not be the last time I raise the topic. It's kind of like one of my Weight Watchers leaders used to say about the struggle with being overweight "You are never cured, but you can get it under control". So, more or less, I guess that applies to depression, too. Maybe there is no cure, but there are ways to get it under control. Peace!
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